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I need to get the word out — ~ don't worry.
Posted: Apr 18 2012, 08:49 AM


Loner Unknown
Male 1 Year
17 POSTS 307 PP

Somehow I just don't feel right at all.
Everyone knows me as a happy girl, always laughing, yeah... I used to be that kid. Now I am growing up and I actually struggle a lot. I feel worthless and here in the Netherlands it just sucks, I don't belong here at all. First of all Dutch is an useless language, no one speaks it only the Dutch and some of the people from Belgium, no one else speaks it and it has no meaning to me. I rather talk in English and I feel more connected with English than with Dutch. It's so awkward.

Second I have some personal issues that I cannot tell my family, I don't want them to worry about me. Although I might think that they already know what's going on just a little. I actually harm myself, not by cutting but most of the times when I am in pain I actually start to make it worse by hitting on that spot. I often pull my hair, not hard but that a few hairs come out. (It's silly). I bite my nails until it hurts, like when I actually hit the flesh, but even then I continue biting. I do not feel much pain at all.
I actually feel like no one understands me. When I said to my mum that after my study I will leave to Canada or America she actually made fun of it, though I know she doesn't want me to go but you can not stop me at this point. I just want to start my own business and here in the Netherlands it has like zero chance of success. I just want to start my own stable, like a big one you see in Kentucky, but then with Quarter horses and just more westernstyle, though I love the Thoroughbred horses. And in the Netherlands no one is interested in both of them, so I can better just go and leave. But my mum doesn't agree with it, however I am going.

Third, my back extremely hurts lately and yesterday I went horse back riding and when he started to trot it really really hurt, I don't know what's wrong with it. First I thought it was stress but I have no stress, I am rather relaxed even though I have my finals soon, it seems like I don't care about my final exams at all. One thing I know is that there is always tense on my muscles and I can't help that, however nothing will help.

But I do not want to quit harbinger but I just wanted to let you know that I struggle at the moment.

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Posted: Apr 18 2012, 09:16 AM

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Newbie A. Gladius
Male 5 Years
8 POSTS 188 PP

hopefully all will get better :> dont worry, everyone has these moments its completely normal. and remember that we love you~

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Posted: Apr 18 2012, 09:19 AM


Loner Unknown
Male 1 Year
17 POSTS 307 PP

I hope so. I hate these moments. I finally got rid of negative thoughts and right after I get this, well some of them because others have been there since I was little.
I love you guys too, everyone is so nice and so warm hearted that I don't want to leave at all.

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Posted: Apr 18 2012, 10:34 AM

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Tenured Professor Navigator
Female 7 Years
82 POSTS 2946 PP

If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. Either PM or MSN or whatever else if you ever want to. I've been through rough patches myself and I know how awful they can be. <3


Posted: Apr 18 2012, 11:30 AM

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Apprentice Politician
Male 1 Year
19 POSTS 300 PP

There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to learn another language - whatever your reasons, it's commendable. Go for it!

I don't think you're a teenager in high school anymore so the most helpless and tormenting part of your life would have passed by now. Many, many people also inflict self harm - it may not be the best way to vent stress, but you aren't alone by any means. It can be very hard to find good friends, friends who listen, friends who care, friends who intimately know you, but I think this will help. Don't be afraid to reach out to your support network, your closest friends, your family, your rolemodels. Maybe you don't need to tell them what's going on, but just spending quality time should help to bolster your confidence , get away from it for a while and thus find a new perspective, and ultimately make you feel better.

It's great to have big dreams. So many Americans don't have dreams at all, they just want "to get rich and have lots of money". Your vision is special and it can be the driving force to success. Have you been doing your homework and research on this? I think that your parents will begin to treat you more seriously when you can demonstrate a fuller knowledge of the area. You can research things like the cost of living in certain areas, how much your pay might be, how much plane tickets might be, how stables do business, inventory, stock, policies, statutes, etc, etc. If you don't already have a job, see if you can find a stable to work at. It will dip your toes into the water, and you can pick up more of these things along the way. I'm not saying that you can't or shouldn't do this - I'm saying that you absolutely can, and that you should start by picking up as much as you can.

It sounds like your parents don't really know what to do, they aren't sure what to make of your plans, if you're really serious, and maybe they don't know why you want to do these things. Your folks are going to be a big help as you continue to get older, so why not take advantage of that now? Plan out what to say to them, and have a heart-to-heart talk. Here are some tips: show them how you've been responsible and grown-up lately and point out the things that you've been doing well. Talk to them about your dreams, convey why you wish to do these things, and tell them that you're serious. Demonstrate that you're serious by telling them what you have researched, what you know, what plans you have made, or how you might start. Don't be afraid to admit the things that you don't know. Tell them what you need from them - because it sounds like they don't know - do you need support? More space? Less chores? Removal of your bedtime? More privileges? More trust? Whatever you ask for, make sure to justify it and be willing to compromise. By doing these things, you're setting up excellent communication and showing how adult you are. Sometimes parents forget that you're an adult - and when they do this and treat you like a child, it's easy to fall into the trap of acting like one, and so the cycle continues. This is what I struggled with.

Physical pain is tough to deal with. I'm sorry that you're hurting. Don't give up and keep trying to find something that works. Have you explored the possibility that you're not sleeping correctly, do you need better pillows, a firmer mattress, a better back-pillow? Have you tried stretching regularly and before your rides? Have you considered regular excercise? Take pain medication if you need it, consider a professional massage if it gets bad. You should also figure out a plan - when do you think you would like to go see your doctor about it?

Don't be discouraged, okay? Life is hard, and you're doing exceptionally well. You're in college, you're so much farther ahead of the game than everyone else. You have an awesome vision. A good household that doesn't beat or sexually abuse you, and a roof over your head. Give yourself some time to look at your past, how far you've come, and all of your personal accomplishments.

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Posted: Apr 18 2012, 11:55 AM


Loner Unknown
Male 1 Year
17 POSTS 307 PP

Thanks Xexes, you really help me. It's very nice of you :)
Most of the times it's about my brother if I am home. With dinner they always talk to him. I understand because he had troubles, but it's all about him and I feel like I am a ghost most of the times. Harbinger really helps me to get through everything. You people are very nice and it's so fun to play War. I can not afford to drop him, he's a little angel of Dirac.

My parents still think it's a joke because I am so young. Though my dreams are real, they can not change anything about that.

Well I've been to the physiotherapist (I don't know if it's the right translation) and that helped but not always. But I stopped going to there because after a while I felt good, but it was after a stressful period so I thought that it was just stress and so does my mum. My mum always thinks it's stress whenever I have pains. It's like she doesn't take me serious. However I am a tough one, I can actually hold a lot of pain. But yeah, it's a fucked up situation.

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Posted: Apr 23 2012, 10:51 AM

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Newbie N/A
Female Pup

I know this is late but for your back I was actually thinking you should probably get that checked out. Recently my back started giving out as well and when I got the x-ray's done, the doctors told me I had levioscoliosis. So, it may or may not be a minor case of scoliosis, it's hard to tell so something like that ought to be checked out instead of having to bear with it.

Better to get it checked before it has the potential to get worse, yeah? :3


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